Two's a Crowd
by TuesdayNovember
Summary: Oneshot. Written for the 'prompts' challenge at xoxLewrahxox's forum. Narcissa's meddling ways ruin the Malfoy's Midsummer Ball for Lucius. I mean, really, inviting the Lovegoods? What was she thinking?


**Written for Expecting Rain's awesome prompt in _my_ aptly named 'prompts' challenge at xoxLewrahxox's forum. Prompt stated in full at the end.**

**The word 'Trolldomsministeriet' that appears here is Swedish for Ministry of Magic (according to Google Translator.) **

******Dedicated to Erika (Expecting Rain) just because.**

**This is a long one - 2,700 words.**

* * *

"Narcissa!" Lucius' voice, magically enhanced, boomed through the house – unnecessarily, as his wife was, in fact, only a few feet away, passing through the hall outside the door to his library.

She pushed open the heavy oak door and stepped inside. "Yes, dear?"

Lucius scowled. "Would you mind explaining to me why that madman Xenophilius Lovegood and that daughter of his have been invited to our Midsummer Ball?"

A look of confusion flitted over Narcissa's face. "I – that doesn't make sense, dear. I charmed the quill to only write invitations to important members of society and family members. I don't know how his name could have got on the list."

Lucius' brow creased in concentration. "Have the invitations been sent yet?"

"This morning."

Lucius bent over the parchment on the desk before him, scanning it for information. "They live in Devon. Perhaps the owl hasn't got there yet. Can we call it back?"

"We can certainly try. And if not…" Narcissa sighed, "I suppose I could Floo there and explain the mistake."

Lucius shook his head. "Let's try to get it back, then."

•••

"Father?" Luna's voice, dreamy and unclear, as if it had been a long time since she'd used language, floated up the stairs.

"What is it, Luna?"

"It seems we have mail, father," she pulled a roll of silver parchment off the tawny owl's leg and uncoiled it.

The owl, perched nobly on the brightly painted windowsill, hooted at the indignation of not having received a treat. Luna, however, had focussed all her attention on the parchment in her hands, and the owl, becoming impatient, began to peck at her head.

When she noticed, her eyes refocusing on the world around her, she pulled an owl treat out of her pocket and gave it to the bird. Luna watched as it took off.

Her father, Xenophilius Lovegood, appeared at the bottom of the stairs not two minutes later.

"Mail, did you say?" there was a smudge of paint on the tip of his nose and a number of leaves caught in his long blond hair.

"Yes, father. From the Malfoys," Luna handed the curling silver parchment to her father, noticing the shift from confusion to recognition to shock that coloured his face.

"This is strange," he said. "This is strange indeed. It seems we've been invited to the Malfoy's Midsummer Ball."

"I know, father," Luna said. "I read the letter before you got down."

•••

Lucius and Narcissa were pacing.

"This is absurd," Lucius said. "How in the name of Merlin could that madman's name have got on our list? He's not family, and he's _certainly_ not important."

"I don't know, dear," Narcissa said.

Their pacing continued in aggravated silence until suddenly, mid-turn, Narcissa stopped.

"_Wait!_" she breathed.

Lucius turned to her, and opened his mouth to ask what she was waiting for, but she turned and raced out of the room. Lucius heard her heels tap-tapping on the stairs a few moments later.

"_Women,_" he muttered, and continued his pacing.

A few minutes later, Narcissa had returned, a large piece of parchment in her hands. "I've got it!" she said. "I know why he was invited!"

With a flourish, she spread the parchment on her husband's desk. It was a large, intricate family tree.

"It's the Malfoy family tree," she explained.

Lucius looked exasperated. "Yes, darling, I rather realized that. What was your point?"

She tapped her finger near the bottom of the tree. "_This_ is my point. Look!"

And sure enough, the name '_Xenophilius Lovegood_' was written in coiling script just across from the name '_Lucius Malfoy._'

"You're _cousins!_" Narcissa exclaimed. "That must be why the quill wrote him an invitation!"

Lucius frowned. "But that's impossible! Narcissa, this makes no sense. None whatsoever. The Malfoy's are _French. _And that Lovegood man –"

"He's your cousin, dear. You shouldn't be so rude to family."

He glared at her.

"Look at this," she pointed to the tree. "Your mother had a sister," she pointed to the name '_Marguerite Delphine_'. "And your aunt Marguerite married this man here, Xenophobius Lovegood. And they had Xenophilius, which makes him your cousin," she smiled triumphantly.

"That's all well and good, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not having that madma—" he caught Narcissa's eye, "that _man_ at my ball."

Narcissa scowled, "It's my ball too, Lucius. And I think it's the perfect opportunity for you to rekindle your friendship."

"We were never _friends! _I didn't even know we were related until just now!"

She waved a hand airily. "Trivialities, dear. Your cousin is coming to the ball."

•••

On the eve of the Malfoy's Midsummer Ball, Luna Lovegood was seated on her bed, staring into her wardrobe, trying to determine what to wear. Indeed, she sat in deep concentration for over twenty minutes before getting up and extracting a puffy-sleeved, plum coloured, crushed-velvet robe from behind a grass-woven dressing gown.

In the other room, her father was going through much the same ordeal. It took some time, but he finally managed to extract his best robes from the back of his wardrobe. A stunning turquoise, they were embroidered with multicoloured birds, charmed to fly leisurely across the bright material.

A short time later, father and daughter, dressed in their finest, met downstairs

"You look wonderful, Luna. So grown-up," her father said with a smile. "Shall we go?"

She nodded and took his arm.

The tight, constricting feeling of Apparition coiled about them, and in a moment they were standing in the Apparation room of Malfoy Manor.

"Welcome to the Midsummer Ball, Mister Lovegood, Miss Luna," a House Elf bowed low before them. "Tinky is directed to bring you to the ballroom, sir and miss," the elf said.

As they followed Tinky out of the room, Luna looked back and saw that another elf had taken her place, and was greeting a couple who had just arrived.

The elf left them at the entrance to a grand room, whispered something to another elf standing attendant, and hurried off.

The attendant elf put a large horn to his lips and said, "Presenting Xenophilius Lovegood, first cousin to Lucius Malfoy, and his daughter, Luna."

The two stood at the entrance, looking shocked, until the elf whispered to them, "You is to go inside now, sir and miss."

•••

Narcissa prodded her husband gently in the side, "Look," she whispered, "Xenophilius and his daughter are here. We should go say hello."

Lucius suppressed a scowl and had no time to say otherwise, as his wife had already begun to lead him across the room towards the two brightly-coloured guests.

"Mr Lovegood, Luna, what a pleasure to see you!" Narcissa said pleasantly, smiling at the two of them.

Luna smiled back airily, while her father shifted uncomfortably in his spot.

Narcissa gave Lucius another prod, and he smiled tightly at the Lovegoods. "How do you do," he bit out.

Xenophilius, however, seemed at a loss for words, and the four simply smiled at each other for a few minutes, before Lucius finally burst, "Ah, we have other guests to greet," and whirled away into the crowd.

Narcissa followed her husband more slowly, and when they were a good distance away, she hissed, "Now what was all that about? I don't think you could have _been_ more rude!"

But Lucius ignored her and instead began a conversation with Augustus Rookwood on the benefits of aqueducts in rural areas.

The night, however, was far from over, and Narcissa was determined that her husband make good with his newfound cousin – the irony of the situation was completely lost on her. Throughout the first half of the evening, she took pains to get them together, but to no avail. Somehow, they always managed to get away. But Narcissa had an ace up her sleeve.

When dinner was called and the guests began to filter from the ballroom into the dining area, Narcissa smiled slyly. She watched as the guests milled about, attempting to find their names, and her smile broadened when she saw that Lucius had already taken his seat at the head. It was only a matter of time, now.

Narcissa seated herself at the opposite end, and watched as Xenophilius took one seat beside her husband, and Luna the other. Certainly, she knew what she had done was far from proper etiquette, but, she assured herself, it was all for a greater purpose. And she ignored the dark look her husband gave her when he caught her eye.

•••

"Mr Malfoy, it seems we meet again," Xenophilius said, by way of greeting.

Lucius nodded stiffly and forced the corners of his mouth upwards in a painful facsimile of a smile.

The first course appeared on their plates, and Lucius was thankful for the distraction the escargots provided. At least for a few minutes.

"Did you know that snails are sentient?" Luna asked.

Lucius turned to her. "I beg your pardon?"

"Snails, you know, are perfectly intelligent beings. Once I nearly drowned in the lake by my house, but the snails pulled me out."

Lucius closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Is that so? How interesting."

"Yes. That's why I don't think I shall be able to eat this."

His tight smile returned. "Just leave it there, then."

He was thankful, however, that the two decided to ignore him for the remainder of the first course, instead opting to speak to each other in some foreign language that seemed to consist entirely of clucking.

When the dishes disappeared, to be replaced with a bowl of shaved truffle and white wine soup, Lucius was feeling almost confident that the meal would pass in silence. Unfortunately, Xenophilius took the arrival of the soup to speak again.

"So Mr Malfoy, what is it that you do?"

He relaxed. Here, finally, was a topic for reasonable conversation. "I hold a position at the Ministry," he began. "I work in the Office of –"

"The Ministry?" Xenophilius interrupted. "Hmph, well I suppose that shouldn't come as a shock. So many people have been brainwashed into believing that they work for our greater good. But oh no, when you work in the business of the Truth, you find things out that _they_ want to keep from you." His voice was low and conspiratorial, and he was leaning in towards Lucius. "Oh yes, the things the Ministry does, the things they try to keep from us…"

Lucius sighed. As much as he despised the ramblings of a deluded madman, Xenophilius' evasive manner of speech elicited a coil of curiosity within him. If nothing else, Lucius hoped it would at least be amusing. A story to tell Lestrange and Rookwood later on.

"And what is it that the Ministry is keeping from us?"

Xenophilius lowered his voice even further, so that Lucius was forced to lean in to hear him. "_Crumple-Horned Snorkacks,_" he whispered.

Lucius sat back. "Crumple-Horned _what?_" he asked in disgust.

"Crumple-Horned Snorkacks," Xenophilius repeated. "The Ministry has been covering up their existence for years now."

But Lucius had had enough of his cousin's conspiracies – he still didn't think it was possible they could be related – and maintained that he would ignore him for the remainder of the meal.

Unfortunately, his resolve was shattered mid-way through the first dish of the main course – caviar-stuffed pheasant and steak tartar – when Xenophilius seemed to decide it would be prudent to discuss the breeding cycle of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack.

Xenophilus, quite thankfully, fell silent as the dishes were cleared. But as the brandy-marinated braised lamb was being served, Xenophilius began, as if there had been no silent gap between their last exchanged words, "But the Ministry can't keep them a secret forever, you know. They've been in close contact with the Trolldomsministeriet, but the Trolldomsministeriet is beginning to phase in a unit on Crumple-Horned Snorkacks in their schools, so the Ministry is having trouble keeping their existence covered up."

"Is that so?" Lucius muttered as he prodded his lamb in annoyance.

"Oh yes, it's causing quite a scandal up in Sweden, you know," Luna cut in.

Lucius couldn't help himself. "And why is it that the Ministry is so concerned with keeping the existence of Crumple-Horned Snorkels a secret?"

Luna's eyes, blue and misty, nearly bugged out of her head.

"You mean you don't _know?_" Xenophilius said, shocked.

Lucius fought very hard not to roll his eyes – uncouth at the dining table. "Know what?" he drawled instead.

"Why, that the dried excrement of Crumple-Horned Snorkack can be used to cure almost any disease," Luna answered for her father.

With a sharp sigh, Lucius redirected his attention towards his meal, determined not to speak to the Lovegoods unless entirely necessary.

•••

After dinner, when the guests had once again filtered into the ballroom, Narcissa found Lucius and pulled him aside.

"I saw you speaking to the Lovegoods at dinner," she said sweetly. "Did you reconnect?"

Lucius had to fight to keep his temper in check. "Yes, I spoke to them, dear. Strange, how they ended up sitting beside me – you know, where etiquette dictates that the female guests of honour ought to sit, and not _absurd cousins,"_ he bit out.

Narcissa smiled. "Yes, I suppose that wasn't the most proper thing I could have done, but I saw you reconnecting. It must have been lovely to speak to your cousin again after so many years."

"Narcissa," Lucius began slowly, trying to keep his hand off his wand, "I don't think you quite understand the fact that Lovegood and I –"

"Oh, Lucius darling, Mrs Parkinson is waving me over. Tell me later," she planted a quick kiss on his cheek and floated into the crowd to join the raven-haired woman with high, sharp cheekbones and bright red lips.

Lucius, feeling that if he didn't get away would most likely curse the next person he saw, turned sharply and left the room. Out in the cool corridor, he took a deep breath and began to relax. Walking briskly, he reached the central staircase, which he mounted quickly. Upstairs, he went down a number of hallways until he reached the secluded box room. He threw the door open and slammed it closed, locking it with a sharp jab of his wand.

When he turned around to curse the empty boxes into nothingness, he was appalled to see none other than Xenophilius Lovegood standing in a corner, inspecting what looked like a large orange blossom in his hands.

"_What the bloody hell are you doing here?_" Lucius growled.

Xenophilius smiled beatifically. "You never told me you had _blossomonius orangia _growing in your garden."

For a moment, Lucius was beyond words. He opened and closed his mouth like a gasping fish before snapping, "_**Out!**__ Get out of my house you mad idiot!_"

Xenophilius was unfazed. More than likely he was used to such shouted statements.

"_What_ are you waiting for?" Lucius snarled. "_Get out!_"

And to prove that he meant it, Lucius stalked over to the door and twisted violently at the knob. But it didn't budge.

His hand dropped to his side like lead and he stepped back, staring at the door in shock. Finally, he turned around. "What did you do to the door? Why isn't it opening?"

Lucius was horrified at the thought that he may be stuck in the box room with Xenophilius until someone found him. A quick _Avada Kedavra_ and it would all be over…

"You locked the door," Xenophilius informed him.

Lucius felt the muscles in his face go slack. He withdrew his wand and, hand shaking, he unlocked the door. "Get out, Lovegood. You and your daughter. And I don't _ever_ want you here again."

"Certainly. But may I take a few sprigs of the _blossomonius orangia_ from the garden?" Lucius' eye began to twitch, and Xenophilius took his silence as an affirmative. "Thank you!" he chirped, and pranced good-naturedly out into the hall.

•••

That evening, after all the guests had left, Lucius trudged up the stairs after his merrily humming wife. In their bedroom, she turned to him, a cheery smile on her face.

"You see, Lucius, wasn't it lovely to reconnect with your cousin?"

* * *

**Prompt:** The Lovegoods and the Malfoys interacting.

**Must have:** Crumple-Horned Snorkacks.

**Mustn't have:** Unforgiveable Curses. Though Lucius can be tempted.

**Bonus points if:** They find out they're related. :D Liz (I think it was Liz? I'm too lazy to go back and check) recently said Xenophilius looked like Lucius's hippie cousin and I said that would make a good sitcom, but I'm awful at crack, so I'm prompting it instead of writing it myself. :D Though I understand that would be really hard to write, so I will be more than satisfied with any fic that just includes Malfoy family/Lovegood family interaction. And it doesn't have to be crack, either. I just want them interacting awkwardly! **(note: **yes, it was me who said it. Could it be more fitting?**)**

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**What do you think of this, O Glorious Reader?**


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